If you have received a utility bill – such as an Excel Energy bill – or some other statement of account, and are puzzled by a graph which tells you your “ONDJFMAMJJASO” usage, don’t feel alone. And don’t feel foolish when we tell you what ONDJFMAMJJASO stands for. Depending on when you read it (and this is a clue), it could also instead say NDJFMAMJJASON, DJFMAMJJASOND, JFMAMJJASONDJ, FMAMJJASONDJF, MAMJJASONDJFM, AMJJASONDJFMA, MJJASONDJFMAM, JJASONDJFMAMJ, JASONDJFMAMJJ, ASONDJFMAMJJA, or SONDJFMAMJJAS.

Yes, each of those letters stands for a month of the year, in order, and the group of letters together stands for your month-to-month usage or charges or whatever it’s revealing about your account.

But often it isn’t clear! Take, for example, an Excel Energy statement. What it should say is something like “This is a month-by-month comparison for the past year.” Instead it says “Your monthly electricity usage.” It would not be unreasonable for you to think this means your usage for the month, and try to make ONDJFMAMJJASO somehow fit “Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday….”, which of course it doesn’t.

If you are reading this, it’s likely because you Googled (or Binged or Yahooed) that odd set of letters, which also means that it’s likely that the company that sent you the statement also did not make it clear just what it was you were looking at. Take heart in knowing that the vast majority of others who have read this article arrived at it the exact same way, for the exact same reason.

I used to love going to the Brewing Market and teasing the barristas because their sign on the case where they have their pastries and snacks offered, for the longest time:

Bagels and “Cream Cheese”

Scary. I pondered aloud what they could possibly be offering as “cream cheese”, rather than actual cream cheese, and scarier still, was that few of the staff actually understood the source of my bemused merriment.

I only wish that I had a picture of the sign for you. You’ll have to take my word for it.

Today, I went into the Brewing Market, all set to joke around with the one barrista who did get it, and who would roll her eyes and laugh at it with me, when to my shock and horror, I saw that the sign was gone, replaced with a newer version, missing the offending quote marks around Cream Cheese. (Keep reading below the picture.)

I felt like an old friend was gone – and as I was saying so to The Barrista with a Clue my eye fell upon the rest of the signage, just above it:

Whew. It’s good to see that some things haven’t changed. Like, the literacy level among the sign-making staff at the Brewing Market.

Either the San Francisco Chronicle has a real sense of humour, or staff writer Ron Kroichick snuck one by them and the joke’s on them. Just look at this headline!

(Shout out to my daughter, for sending this to me – my but you have a smutty mind, my dear! I wonder where you got that, hmmm?)

Every once in a while, while I am scanning my spam folder, a subject so ridiculous – so preposterous – so laughable – catches my eye.

Such as this one:

“Bomb her womb from your huge cannon!”

My gosh – I’m hot now!

I mean…seriously, how many men actually think “I want to go bomb me some womb tonight!”

I’m pretty sure that the men who are actively trying to reach the womb of their loved one are not the same men who would think about the act as “bombing”.

Or am I wrong here?

According to a CNN breaking news update, it would appear that U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson is staging a coup.

According to the CNN breaking news update, and I quote here:

— U.S. Treasury secretary announces plan to take over troubled mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

—

An ambitious undertaking for an individual, to be sure. And probably the first coupe attempt in the U. S. since Alexander Haig infamously uttered the words “I’m in control” on March 30, 1981.

Sigh…why can’t copywriters..you know…write?

But to balance it all out..I was shocked to discover that Tori Spelling, of all people, writes surprisingly well! I picked up a copy of her sTORI Telling to read on the train, and was really pleasantly surprised at how well-written she is.

Baking dogs is just plain wrong (and doesn’t soaking baked goods just get them soggy?)

Interesting headline from Yahoo news – you could never get away with this on eBay, what with their ban on selling body parts and all. And what the heck are ‘homer balls’? Sounds painful. I’m guessing it would be a tragedy. Doh!

“Winning bids made on Bonds’ homer balls”