Why can’t Johnny read?

How many things can you find wrong with this sign… which is in an educational exhibit for children?

Would You Eat a Chicken’s Ring?

There are some parts of an animal that just are not made to be eaten. And that would include a chicken’s ring. But apparently nobody told country star Dwight Yoakam that, as he just launched a food called, I kid you not, “Dwight Yoakam’s Chicken Rings”.

Obviously, these are the opposite of “chicken tenders”, or perhaps a companion piece.

In fact, if you wanted to reconstruct a chicken’s nether regions from foodstuff you’d take two chicken tenders, one chicken ring, and a chicken ding (of course you’ll need to find a McDonald’s, a store selling Dwight Yoakam’s Chicken Rings, and a chinese restuarant all within reasonable proximity of each other). (Whaddaya mean that’s not what the ‘ding’ is? You tell me then what part of the chicken is chicken almond ding made from? And how do they even find that tiny little ding to make shrimp almond ding?)

You don’t believe me, do you? Would it help if I told you that the full name of this delicacy is “Dwight Yoakum’s Chicken Lickin’s Chicken Rings”?

No, probably not.

Ok, if you insist, here’s a picture:

Man, those are some big chickens!

Bon appetit!

Unemployment Drops Modesty During April

According to Texas newspaper “The Gatesville Messenger”, unemployment dropped its modesty during April.

Only in April? Did it regain its modesty in May? Apparently.

And well it should. Unemployment is indeed something about which to be modest.

Likewise, the Gatesville Messenger should be modest about their copyediting.

C’mon, if you publish a newspaper, don’t rely on your spellchecker to do your proofreading for you!

You can see this offending headline for yourself, here, unless they’ve fixed it.

Welcome to the Coke side of life

Who is the stupid marketing wonk who came up with Coke’s new slogan, “Welcome to the Coke side of life”?

At Least I’m Not an Art Critic

Few things can eclipse the level of ridiculousness to which descriptions of wine from wine critics sink, but I have to tell you, descriptions of art and artists by art critics is one of them.

Take for example this real-world description which we recently saw at a local art museum. Only the name of the artist has been changed:

“John Doe’s work entices us to view it both up close and from a distance. When viewed in its larger context, this series of small paintings create a harmonious arrangement of natural forms. These forms, at a close distance, establish a reductive language that addresses the formal concerns of painting and drawing. It is this tension between Doe’s technical skills and his passion for the intuitive process which gives rise to a dynamic conversation in the work. These conversations keep all the components together as they form, dissolve, and re-form.”

And they accuse us lawyers of being full of nonsense.

What Kind of Car Does Mr. Money Drive?

Now, what kind of car do you think that someone who calls themselves “Mr. Money” would drive? On what kind of car would you expect someone to put a license plate proclaiming themselves to be “Mr. Money”?

Ok, I confess to not knowing the definitive answer to that, if there is one. But I’m pretty sure that Mr. Money would not be driving a Honda compact (apologies for the poor quality – I was..uh..driving at the time).

These Lyrics are Just Plain Wrong

I overheard these lyrics on the piped-in music in the loo at a local restaurant, and did an aural double-take. I was sure I’d misheard, but nope, sure enough a bit of research revealed that it was Old Blue Eyes himself, singing about love, when he opined:

“When love congeals, it soon reveals the faint aroma of performing seals…”

Uh…a little bit TMI there, Frankie.

Festive Drinking Deaths Warning

One of the more incongrous whacky headlines of the year, and just in under the wire, is this one appearing on BBC News on 12/24 (that’s 24 December for those of you on the other side of the pond).

Festive drinking deaths warning

I can’t even imagine what makes a drinking death festive. Maybe the deceased is draped in garland and flocked with fake snow?

Of course, what do you expect from the people who brought you “Miss Peru beat off 106 contestants to take the crown from 2003 winner“?

Happy Holidays, everyone!