Would You Like the Water Menu, Sir?

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The next time you go to an upscale restuarant and ask for some water, don’t be surprised if they bring you a water menu. No, I’m not making this up. Don’t be surprised, either, that the price per bottle would suggest that there should be something more than H20 in the bottle. And in fact, in some cases thars gold in them thar bottles.

Explains the press release of one bottled water company which does, in fact, market a bottled water with gold in it (au Le Cadeu), “People once believed that water was water. Not so. Now you have different types, different flavors, different brands, different claims, different prices, etc., etc. The market is fierce in competition.”

As the water connoisseur magazine (no, I’m not making this up either), Fine Waters, explains, “Water Menus, similar to wine lists, are not just a listing of all available brands. Creating a water list is a selective process that matches the direction of the food menu created by the chef with the right natural bottled water choices to affirm or contrast the food. Like wine, natural waters come from a unique source, they have terroir and have a story and often a long history attached to them. They are very special.”

Uh, ok.

Sounds like a load of bollocks to me. But then what do I know?

Not much, apparently, because this is big business, and my failure to appreciate the subtle distinctions between Aqua Viva and Aqua Velva notwithstanding, I guess there must be a lot of people willing to pay a lot of money for not much water.

Somebody must have seen them coming.

They are the kind of people to whom this quote from Fine Waters speaks:

“Apollinaris is sparkling mineral water with 100% source carbonic acid which means no artificial CO2 is added to the water. Due to the volcanic activity in the Eiffel the water here is particularly rich in minerals, as the magma below the aquifer continuously gives off carbon dioxide. This combines with the water and increases the solubility of minerals. With a robust TDS of 2650 and a FineWaters Balance | Classic, Apollinaris is a substantial water perfect with crispy/crunchy food, meats and game.

You probably don’t want to drink Apollinaris if you order Sushi or other delicate flavored food, especially fish dishes. Spa with a TDS of 33 and a FineWaters Balance | Still is a much more appropriate choice as it does not overpower the delicate flavors and matches the mouthfeel much better.”

Wow.

Do I ever feel low class now. (Of course, that has nothing to do with my failure to appreciate the finer waters in life.)

Anybody want to join me in a bottled water venture? I’m thinking of something light on the tongue, with a faint musty backwash and a hint of lavender. We’ll call it L’eau Accroupie de Singe.

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